Capture Your Grief - October 2013

I have found an amazing group of people who write blogs dedicated to Babyloss.  Before Amelia I never knew these blogs existed, but now there are days when the writings posted on these blogs say exactly what I can't, and other days when the post speaks directly to my broken heart.  

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  It was designated in 1988 by President Ronald Reagan.  (More info here)  Did you know that?  I didn't.  There's a LOT of awareness to raise and I'd like to be a part of it.  

Each October one of the bloggers hosts a Capture Your Grief photograph "challenge."  Each day has a different topic to help you put words to the grief you're experiencing after the loss of your little one.  Here are this year's topics:

I've done what I feel ready to do with where I am in my journey and have modified the challenge a little bit to fit my heart.  Basically I feel that this challenge is a way for me to put into words how I'm feeling.  Up until now I've felt that there is so much I want to share, but don't know how to put words to my feelings.  I'm also scared of offending and coming across as someone "stuck in sadness" or someone who "can't get over it."  Not for one second do I feel that I'm stuck in sadness but that I'm simply working through each day as it comes - each moment, each memory, each feeling.  

Please join me in my journey and know that I'm only speaking from my heart.

October 1st - Sunrise:

On Oct 1st I was actually on a bus on my way to Milwaukee for computer training during the sunrise so I wasn't able to get a sunrise picture.  I do have a greater love for the beauty of the sky because of Amelia, though.  It's my window into her world.  I'm able to look up and know that she is safe in the arms of Jesus in Heaven.  My first glimpse into Heaven was in August on our way back from camping.  It felt like these clouds were parting and allowing me to look in and see Amelia safe in Heaven.  I was at peace looking up, having a bit of reassurance knowing she was safe and looking back down on us.

Oct 2nd - Identity:

Amelia Anne was loved from the moment we knew we were expecting her.  We chose her first name simply because we loved it.  It's a traditional name that goes well with Madeline and Nathan.  We chose her nickname "Mia" so that she could be part of the dynamic duo - Mads and Mia!  :)  It's actually quite an interesting coincidence that all of our children's names are book titles!  We've got Madeline, Big Nate and Amelia Bedelia.  :)  Amelia's middle name is Anne and has a double meaning.  First, she's named after my Grandma Selma.  Grandma Selma mentioned once that she didn't want us to use the name "Selma" so we used her middle name instead, which is Ann.  We decided to use the Anne spelling with an "e" to also honor my sister, Kimberly Anne.  

Amelia Anne is the third child of Andrew and Nicole Josephs.  She is the little sister to Madeline and Nathan Josephs.  She will always be a part of our family!

Amelia's pumpkin.

Oct 3rd - Myths:

This topic is difficult for me to address and I believe it's because I'm only 4 months into this journey.  Let me simply address a TRUTH that I do know.  Grief is a continual journey.  It's a process that goes in all directions.  Forward, Backward, Sideways, Upside-Down, often all at the same time!!  They say there are five stages of grief.  That might be true, but it's definitely not linear.  

Oct 4th - Legacy:

Our beautiful girl is changing the world without even taking a breath with us.  In the short four months that she has been gone she has taught lessons to so many people.  I've found that I need to place more emphasis on simply choosing to be happy.  Why do I always seem to focus on little things that aren't worth my worry and anger?  I'm done!  I'm simply going to choose to be happy!  Mads and Nate have learned that it's OK to talk about their sister and by doing so I know that they'll be sharing God's work with many other people.  Andrew's sister found that she was spending too much time at work and not enough with her children.  So she chose to be happy and leave the stress behind.  Amelia has brought friends and family closer, but also moved some away.  She's brought new friends into our lives.  She's helping us to see what's important and allowing us to share that with others by sharing her story and our love for her.

Oct 5th - Memory:

Memories are something that I have been struggling with.  When thinking of Amelia we don't have any memories of her here with us to fall back on and remember when the darkness sets in.  We don't have memories of birthday parties, first smiles or the silly things she said.  I do have the memories of carrying our beautiful girl with me wherever I went for nine months.  I realize how lucky I am to have those memories as I was the only one to have that sweet, sweet connection with her.  Amelia was calm in my belly, just like Mads was.  (Nate was a mover and a shaker.)  She rolled and shifted in elongated movements.  Graceful and beautiful.  

The memory that stands out so clearly was right before I left for the hospital on the morning of June 19th.  Andrew and I told the kids that we were leaving for the hospital and shortly they would know if they have a brother or sister.  Both kids leaned over to my belly, kissed it, and told Amelia "We will see you soon."  

This picture was taken 4 days before Amelia arrived.  The kids were so excited that a new sibling would be joining the family.  They loved her so much, and still do.

Oct 6th - Ritual:

We always celebrate Amelia's monthly birthdays.  We celebrated these monthly birthdays with Mads and Nate during their first year and even though Amelia isn't here with us on this Earth, we still celebrate with her.  As much as babies grow and change month to month, I feel that we are changing month to month in our love of Amelia.  Our love continues to grow each and every day for our beautiful girl.  That is why we place a pink rose for her - one for each month.

Oct 7th -  You Now:

When I first saw the topic for Oct 2nd "Identity" I read it as MY identity.  As I read further into the description I found that it was, of course, Amelia's identity.  Then reading the other topics I found the "You Now" topic and decided I would use that for my identity.  I've changed as a person and as a mother.  I have three beautiful children.  Two live with me here, and one lives in Heaven.  I feel that this simple fact has become my identity.  I don't know if it will always be my identity, maybe I feel it more now since Amelia's passing is so recent.  When I went back to work at the hospital everyone was very welcoming, however I could feel that some were tip-toeing around me because I was Nicole - "The one who's daughter passed away."  But, in the same way I AM Nicole, yes, my daughter passed away - but I hold her in my heart.  I have three perfect children.  Madeline, Nathan and Amelia.  And that is my identity.  I am so proud of all three of them.  Each single one is changing the world, Amelia included.  So, this is me now:

The heart necklace is my family necklace, I've worn it since Madeline was born. - It has birthstones of all five of us.  And of course Amelia's hand and foot print.  She's right next to the family heart, always a part of us!

Oct 8 - Color:

Pink!!  Pink is the color that reminds me of our baby girl.  What little girl doesn't love the color pink?!  Uncle Jakey actually started pink for Amelia when he decided to wear a pink shirt to her funeral to honor her.  Since then I always see the color pink around when I think of Amelia or feel her near to me.  My second day back to work at the hospital was even more difficult than the first.  As I was walking from one unit to another I walked past THREE vases full of pink roses.  I knew that my baby girl was with me and comforting me through my dark hours.  Sending beautiful reminders of her where I needed them, and adding beauty to the world just as she does.

Oct 9 - Music:

I was so opposed to music immediately after Amelia's passing.  I requested that Andrew keep the radio off in the house and in the van for at least the first two weeks.  When I worked my way back to turning on the radio I kept K-Love (the christian radio station - the only station we usually listen to) off and turned on the 80's station.  I wasn't turning away from God, I simply knew that a christian song would move me to tears faster than a song by Hall and Oates would!  :)  I couldn't take anymore tears than what were already flowing.  Now that I'm back to music, I don't know if I can say that one song moves me more than others.  I have had multiple friends tell me, though, that the song "Overcomer" by Mandisa makes them think of me and my strength.  Daily I consider myself too weak to walk this walk of broken heartedness, so it gives me faith to know that they see my strength when I don't.

Oct 10th - Beliefs:

My belief in God is definitely being molded and shaped differently each and everyday.  I am blessed to have not gone through a time where I lost my faith in God.  I am not saying that things haven't been difficult, as many different aspects of my life have been tested.  Family relationships, friendships, work endeavors, financials, long term plans.  Every single facet of my life has changed after Amelia and I have found a place of peace where I simply need to listen to God to find my way through.  I know that Amelia is in Heaven where she's in the loving arms of Jesus, as well as her great grandparents and other friends and family who have gone before her.  

Oct 11th - Emotional Triggers:

So many things can trigger me.  Things I wouldn't even expect to trigger me do so while other times I plan to be triggered and nothing seems to happen.  During my first trip to Target following Amelia's passing I turned the corner and found myself face to face with the baby section.  I could smell the boxes of diapers and I just started crying, right there in the middle of Target.  I couldn't believe that there I was, standing in the baby section, but not needing to buy diapers.  I didn't need wipes.  I won't need sippy cups.  My baby girl doesn't live here with us.  

My triggers have changed with time.  The triggers brought sadness at every turn and at every moment at the beginning.  Now I see the beauty of these triggers, which are fueled by my love for Amelia.  

I recently attended a c-section of a patient at the hospital and the nurse with me was the day nurse that helped us during our stay.  She is so kind and took the time to ask me if it was my first time in a c-section since coming back to work.  It wasn't, but I appreciate her remembering my sweet girl and thinking of the memories that I have connected to that surgery room.  

Oct 12th - Article:

When I first found the Babyloss Blog community I came across an article by Franchesca at Small Bird Studios that completely resonated with me.

THE THING ABOUT GRIEF

The thing about grief is that it has no end.

Only some days it feels like it has ‘ended’.

When out of nowhere it takes you by surprise,

and makes your heart cry yet another thousand or so tears,

or shuts you up in silence, making for an awkward social gathering.

But the truth is, that grief has visited your heart once again.

At full throttle.

And since it’s not like envy,

It has no color, and cannot be recognized but by those fellow grievers.

Whose hearts understand the uncompromising visits from this friend and foe.

The thing about grief is that you actually learn to love it.

Not the sadness, but the strange way it makes you feel love again.

Because the truth is grief only exists where love lived first.

So really, grief is love.

And if you could ever really convince your head and heart of this matter, you might be a much better social gatherer person.

And social events might not be so hard.

And you might do better at the most unsuspecting moments when the tears want to fall and you want to question why…

but then grief would not be grief.

It would be this Pandora box, that no one would ever open.

And while you might never hurt again,

you might forget the love too.

So you embrace every last savory and unsavory bit of this friend and foe, that the world has labeled ‘grief’.

But to you, it is not a label or even an emotion.

This is your life. Not in a box, but the way your heart beats.

And the melody to which your soul dances from tears to joy in a matter of seconds.

You wouldn’t have it any other way.

Because you know that love like this cannot possibly ever die, and you know that it will not always be such a tearful existence.

The only thing I needed to hear is that Grief Is Love.  It's that simple. We aren't able to hold our baby girl and give her the kisses and hugs she so deserves, so those kisses and hugs come out as tears.  We wouldn't experience the grief and brokenness that we feel if we didn't have this abundant amount of love first.  Grief is love.

Oct 13th - Book:

I've been recommended many books and I'm looking forward to reading them all.  I need to work through them slowly, though, and make sure that I'm ready emotionally to read them.  The first book I read was Choosing To See by Mary Beth Chapman.  She spoke of her struggle to understand God's plan for her after the passing of her three year old daughter.  The most amazing part of the book, to me, was that Mary Beth spoke of a trip she took to Amelia Beach, Florida!!  I had no idea that such a place existed.  We will definitely be taking a trip there!

I just finished I Will Carry You by Angie Smith this week.  This was an absolutely amazing book.  Angie was told at her early ultrasound that her daughter had malformations that made her "incompatible with life."  Knowing that their daughter wouldn't live on this Earth, Angie and her husband decided to carry Audrey to term and make as many memories as they could in the short time that they had with her.  She references John 11, most specifically John 11:35 - Jesus Wept.  Angie writes:

"Surely these two words are some of the most powerful in all of Scripture, as they reveal the man within deity.

At first glance it appears that Jesus, Mary, and Martha were sobbing together, but the original language of the text reveals that while Jesus was weeping the women were wailing.  While Mary and Martha were crying out in agony over the loss of their brother, their tears moved Jesus, and He began to weep.  He isn't crying over the death of Lazarus but rather the hurt He is experiencing with people He loves dearly.  He isn't crying because the situation is hopeless, but because He is an empathetic God." 

I love this so much because I know that Jesus cries with me.  When my heart is breaking I know that His is breaking as well.  He doesn't want us to suffer, but feels our suffering with us.  That is such a comforting thought, to know that Jesus is right next to me through every sadness I might encounter.

Oct 14th - Family:

This is us now.  A picture of the Josephs from our Door County trip in early October.  I won't say the words "family picture."  It's not a family picture because Amelia isn't in it.  This was the first time we took a "group shot," as I now refer to it, since June.  You'll notice Mads is wearing pink and that's not a coincidence.  Even though Amelia isn't in the picture, her color pink is.  Little Amelia is always with us, even if she can't be seen.

Oct 15th - Wave of Light:

October 15th is the official Infant Loss and Pregnancy Awareness DAY.  Aurora (the hospital we use) held a special Remembrance Event for those grieving the loss of a child.  Andrew was out of town for a church conference, so I attended the event with Jill, Claire and Nick.  We were able to make candles to remember Amelia.  Each of the kids was able to make their own candle.  Mads put so much thought, time and effort into her candle.  She wanted it to be just right.  Nathan made his candle and wrote his name on it all by himself.  After our candles were done we went outside to light our candles and take part in a special ceremony.  It was a fantastic event and I am so glad that we went.

Our candles were lit at 7PM, to continue the Wave of Light that takes place around the world.

Oct 16th - Seasons:

This fall is the first season that we've encountered after the summer in which we said goodbye to Amelia.  Fall holds many traditions for our family and we were looking forward to sharing them with Amelia.  We took Amelia wherever we went.  She came along to Door County (as shown above) and to the pumpkin patch.  We also carved pumpkins with her.  I feel that we've made it through pretty well thus far, however Christmas is coming up and that might be harder to handle than the traditions of fall.  The days keep coming and the seasons keep changing, but we will make it through with the love and support of those walking this journey with us.

(Me and my girls.  I'm hugging Mads, of course, but I'm also wearing a pink shirt and a pink ring for Amelia.)

Oct 17th - Time:

The days can be so long, but they just keep coming and coming and pulling us farther away.  How is it possible that our gorgeous girl has been gone for so long?  It's been over a year since the first time we heard her beautiful heartbeat.  (November 8th, 2012)

Oct 18th - Release:

The topic for the day is "What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief?"

I honestly would love to let go of my fear of offending people when I talk about Amelia.  The world doesn't know how to handle the loss of children.  People ask questions and I always have to take a second to evaluate the person and their question before I decide how I want to respond.  Are they truly genuine with their question and want to know the answer or are they asking out of social grace?  Is their question a surface question, or do they really want to know the depths of my feelings?  I've begun to answer questions and found a look of horror in their eyes because I've said something they didn't want to hear.  I feel like I need to mold to the expectations how people think I should be grieving.

I want to be able to talk about Amelia freely.  I have three children.  Everyone will listen to me talk about Madeline and Nathan, but not everyone wants to hear about Amelia.  I still have stories about her too.

I love this poem and I wish that the entire world would read it and understand my urge to share Amelia:

I Want To Share Too by Susan Guilfoyle

Oct 19th - Support:

The outpouring of support for Andrew, Mads, Nate, Amelia and I has been absolutely amazing.  We've gotten support from so many places.  So many people have held us and cried with us, so many have listened to us, even people we haven't spoken with in over ten years have contacted us.  We can honestly say that it's only by the love and prayers of our friends, family, and strangers that we've been strong enough to walk this journey.  We are blessed beyond belief to be so loved.  

Honestly, though, so much support has just come from our two little love bugs.  Mads has a heart of gold that is beyond all understanding.  She is so strong, so loving, so brave to face this journey head-on with us.  She never hesitated to stand beside us in our sadness.  She must have super-sonic ears because she would hear me crying a floor up and three rooms over and she'd be there in a flash with a hug and a kiss.

Nate also has an abundance of hugs and kisses to share, as well as a well-timed joke.  The kids came to visit me in the hospital and as I was crying Nathan asked if I was sad about Amelia.  I said that I was and he then notified me that he had his shoes on in my bed!  We laughed, and it was nice that Nate could give that to us.  

Oct 20th - Hope and Oct 21st - Honor:

I feel that the two topics of hope and honor go hand in hand as the best way to honor Amelia is to follow through with our hopes and dreams.  

I hope that people will speak freely of Amelia and share her beauty with the world.  

We have so many plans to honor our sweet baby and I feel that even though we might not be doing it in a public manner, it is still being done.  Andrew and I have both been growing.  We take the time to use more patience and love.  We try to find the positive and speak kindly.  I can see our changes reflected back in Mads and Nate.  They are calmer and tend to listen a bit better.  

We are trying to be the light in the world.  Our time on this Earth is so short and we need to make the best of it.  If we can show kindness and love in the name of Amelia then that's the best thing we can give back to our gorgeous girl.

Oct 22nd - Words:

Today's topic is to actually share my favorite article, song, poem, etc.  However, I have already referenced a few of them.  When I read the topic for the day I immediately thought of the words I despise.  There are many words used in everyday conversation that hurt me to the core.  

"Stillborn" - What a horrible, horrible word.  I hear "Oh, well, you know, Amelia was dead, but I guess she was Still. Born."  It takes away the life that Amelia had within my body, the impression she left upon this Earth, and the beauty that she possesses.  

"Loss" - We didn't lose Amelia.  We know exactly where she is.  Her body is in Monroe, but she is in Heaven.  She's also with us, helping us through each day.  I don't know who started using the word "loss" when discussing death, but it's not really applicable.  The only thing that we lost was the dreams we had for Amelia and our family.  Maybe we didn't lose those, either, maybe they were just changed.  We gained a daughter and the love and happiness that comes with that.  Mads and Nate gained a sister.  Our parents gained a granddaughter.  We didn't lose anything.

"Family"  -  Our family consists of Andrew, Nicole, Madeline, Nathan and Amelia and I'm fine using the word when it refers to the five of us.  When people see our "family" in the store, or in a picture, they don't see the entire family.  Our family is physically missing a large piece.  So when you see Andrew, Mads, Nate and I, know that you're only seeing a portion of the Josephs family... just a group.  (Thus, "group shot" as I noted above)

"Grave" - I've noticed that I unconsciously do not use the word grave.  I always refer to "visiting Amelia."  Children shouldn't have a grave.  I can't wrap my head around the concept that my daughter's body is in a cemetery and that she has a memorial stone.  We simply go to visit Amelia when we are in Monroe. 

Not necessarily a word, but I need a way to answer the question of how many children I have without making the conversation awkward.  I have three - I just don't know how to explain that one doesn't live in our house.

Visiting Amelia, singing "You are my sunshine."

Oct 23rd - Tattoos/Jewelry:

I'm blessed to have many memorials of Amelia.  I told Andrew a few hours after Amelia's birth that I wanted anything and everything to remember her with.  I have my breathtaking Amelia pendant that I wear everyday.  I was also given an Amelia necklace by two wonderful friends, Jen and Kelli.  I have a pink flower ring that I occasionally wear as well.  

I am looking into the possibility of getting a tattoo, but I can't find a design perfect enough to honor Amelia.  I would like to incorporate either her name or the letter "A" as well as a rose and possibly a heart.  I'm not an artist, so it's hard for me to come up with something on my own. 

I like how these roses come from the heart, but am not completely sold on it.  Plus I'd like to add Amelia's name in as well and maybe use only one rose. 

Oct 24th - Artwork:

Besides my necklaces, we've been given different pieces of artwork to remember Amelia.  Amelia has a song that was written for her, sung at her funeral by our friend Matt.

My dear friend, Heather, read the letter I wrote to Amelia at the funeral and she framed a copy for us.

Another sweet friend, Holly, drew us a picture of a rose bud.  I have the drawing hanging right above my beside table.  I see it when I wake up and when I go to bed.

One of my rocks, Jen, made a gorgeous planter with pictures of Amelia for us.

Also, I truly feel that the words spoken by our friend and pastor, Luke, and his wife, Dianne, at Amelia's funeral were a piece of artwork as well.  

We have so many friends with artistic talent!!  

Oct 25th - Say it out loud:

Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag.  STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.
The documentary will debut on November 15th.  If I could say anything about my journey with grief what would it be?
I would simply say THANK YOU.  Thank you to all that have stood with us through our journey.  Thank you to those of you that have held us, cried with us, loved us, prayed with us, and simply kept us in your thoughts.  I've mentioned before that it is your love that has lifted us up and strengthened us.  
I also want to ask that you please remember that babyloss affects 1 in 4 women.  Share the love you've given us with the other families who's hearts are broken.  Speak with love and kindness in the name of Amelia and be there for the other families who need strength to walk this heartbreaking walk.


Oct 26th - Community:
I've found too many women whose hearts are broken, just like mine.  As much as I'm glad to know I'm not alone on my journey, I wish that other women didn't know this pain.  
I've found articles, poems, pictures, and love from sites such as:
Still Standing Magazine
Project Heal
Small Bird Studios
Beryl Ann Young
Diana Stone
I've found their words comforting, and their projects wonderful in helping me work through my grief.  Even as I'm coming to the end of the Capture Your Grief Challenge, I feel so much lighter in knowing that I've been able to share so many feelings and thoughts about Amelia and my grief with the world.  Without these wonderful blogs, sites and the Babyloss community I would be struggling to work through my grief and know that where I am now is OK.

Oct 27th - Signs:
Beautiful Amelia is constantly showing me signs of her love.
The most wonderful sign that Amelia is always with me is when I see her hand and foot print thoughout my day.  The science in me says that the prints are simply light hitting my pendant and reflecting back onto another surface but I know it's my sweet baby girl.  The first time I saw this gorgeous ray of light was driving in the van with the kids on our way to Monroe.  I started sobbing when I saw the prints appear on the visor.  Amelia rode with us over an hour that way.  I see her print reflection often, too.  There are even times when I can't explain where the original light is coming from.  Her love simply shines out to comfort me.  
Amelia's amazing love - look at that halo burst of light.  Have you seen anything more breathtaking?!

Oct 28th - Special Place:
Andrew, the kids and I know that we can talk with Amelia no matter where we are.  She's always with us and is a frequent topic of conversation.  What she would like, what she'd be thinking, what she would be doing.  Even though we know she is always near us, we visit her often in Monroe.  Mads even asks when we arrive in Monroe - "Can we go see Amelia?"  Her stone was placed at the end of September.  On her stone there is a rose on a cross as well as two butterflies that Madeline chose for Amelia.  (Complete description of her stone is here)  I like to sit in the quiet and know that I'm close to her physical being.  As a mom I have a need to protect her and know that she's safe.  Sitting with her satisfies that need.  

Oct 29th - Healing and Oct 30th - Growth:

I feel that these two topics really go well together.  Without healing you can't grow.  I came across a fantastic article by a father experiencing babyloss and he found words to explain the grief process.

"With time, grief can become beautiful and purposeful as we begin to learn about ourselves, others, and the world around us. The person of our loss develops into a delicate flower that blooms by the hour and what was once tragic slowly turns majestic and honorable. Down the path of echoes come restoration, hope, and opportunity. What has seemed so dark and scary can turn colorful and meaningful. What has been lost finds a way to be part of our identity and it lives on as we share our healing stories.

Although grief is extremely difficult to bear, when matched with perseverance it can lead to a fruitful life and a stronger faith. For many, it can become a maturing period or a time of reformation of the soul. Surely nobody would wish for grief upon another, but in experiencing the reality that death is likely to penetrate our life experiences, it is awesome how different we can be after surviving its sting." -- Matthew Hallsey

Oct 31st - Sunset:

The most fantastic thing happened the evening of Oct 30th.  We were on our way home after eating dinner out and the sky began to turn pink.  Nathan commented that the sky was pink and Mads responded with "Amelia did that!"  It was the sweetest, most perfect moment.  Once we got home I grabbed the camera and headed back outside.  When I got outside the entire sky and air around me was pink.  I was standing in a sea of pink, completely engulfed in pink.  The only way to describe the amount of pink surrounding me was that I was in a giant embrace from Amelia.  It only lasted a few seconds.  I came back in the house and then turned around to go back out for another hug and the pink was completely gone.  It was a fleeting moment, but just enough love from my baby girl to make my heart full.

**

What a perfect way to end October and the Capture Your Grief challenge.  As much as my heart breaks to not have Amelia in my arms, I know that she is always with me.  I know that she can feel the love from me, her Daddy, her brother and sister, and the rest of her family and friends.  She is loved beyond belief and missed so much.  She's our beautiful angel.  Sweet, sweet Amelia Anne.